Failure Frenzy

We just went grocery shopping. And even though we saved a total of $32 ($10 of that was coupons! Oh yeah!), I’m still having a minor panic attack about spending money. Granted, food is kind of a necessity. It isn’t like I went out and spent almost $200 on shoes or home decor or something. But swiping that card and knowing I have a little less money is painful.

As a result, I start struggling with the idea of being a failure. I mean, it’s been 2 whole weeks and I don’t have a new job! In fact, I lost the other job! I must suck.

While my release from my prior job was considerably unjust and an attempt by my former employer to cut some costs, I can’t help feeling like if I had been better he would have kept me on. Of course it doesn’t help that I was literally the most expensive employee he had out of 2 stores, next to the manager above me. And he would have to be completely insane to let that manager go. Chris has been there 6 years. He lived in Georgia for 2 months and opened a store that isn’t even in his region. All because our boss asked him to. He does all of the catering and is perfectly okay with working upwards of 70 – 80 hours in one week. Like I said, Chris is not going anywhere.

I, on the other hand, was an hourly employee and not on salary like Chris. I couldn’t work more that 45 hours a week. There’s no way in hell I would move to Georgia for 2 months and live in hotel to open a new store. And I’ve never catered a single thing. I already have my degree and have been praying to the job gods for years that I would stumble on a better opportunity. In short, I was a flight risk. An expensive flight risk.

Doesn’t mean I don’t need the money. Doesn’t mean that the job market isn’t non-existent. Especially for those of us specializing in things like Literature. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t work my butt off for 4 years and do way more than was ever expected of me or of normal food service managers. And it definitely doesn’t mean that I should be cut off with no warning.

But enough whining. I have to cope with the fact that things happened the way that they did.

So, how do I go about that?

  • Write a blog about it [X]
  • Find a friend to listen [X]
  • Hold my Bachelor’s degree and cry [X]
  • Apply to everything that is even sort of related to my skills [X]
  • Remind myself that I am not a failure [X]
  • Write angry things about my prior job in a private journal [X]
  • Realize that 2 weeks is hardly enough time to find another job in this job climate. [X]
  • Try as hard as I can to remember that I am awesome and better than that job and the people that I worked for and see this as the best opportunity I have to make something of myself. [X]

It gets difficult sometimes. One of the biggest struggles I’ve had in my life is realizing that I AM good enough. I AM capable. And that the only person that can keep me back from being amazing, is myself and my own insecurities. Well that and the bosses who don’t want to hire more people because their business is hemorrhaging money.

So. Time to take a big breath, put on my big girl pants, and kick the world (and myself) in the ass.